How I Accidentally Became Smart (Thanks to a CSIS Manual)

(Thanks to a CSIS Manual)

Last winter I was sitting in my tiny Toronto apartment, the kind where the heat only works once winter is already over. I was eating dinner and could feel my brain quietly powering down.

This was not my peak.

I had watched enough short videos to briefly forget my own postal code. Even the raccoons outside seemed more organized than me. They ran nightly green-bin operations with planning, timing, and clear leadership.

While searching for ways to defeat raccoons, I accidentally found intelligence analysis manuals online. Real ones. Serious ones. Written by people who absolutely do not want me reading them.

The internet is a strange place.

The Part Where My Brain “Improves”

One concept stood out immediately: thin-slicing. Fast decisions based on patterns. Sounds fake. Sounds like marketing. Still, I decided to test it.

Naturally, I chose Tim Hortons.

The line situation was chaos. Multiple lines, people hesitating, staff shouting drink orders, everyone convinced they were standing in the wrong place.

Old me would have frozen, panicked, and ordered something incorrect.

New me observed.

I watched line movement. I tracked staff coordination. I noted which machines were actually functioning. I identified people who were about to reach the counter and suddenly remember they also wanted a muffin.

I chose a line. It moved fast.

My friend stared at me and said, “How do you always pick the right line?”

I started explaining pattern recognition. She said, “Okay, coffee psychic.”

And yes, before anyone corrects me, I know. Tim Hortons usually has one line. This was a test for you. If that bothered you, congratulations. You are paying attention.

When Everything Becomes Analysis

After that, I began applying “intelligence methods” to daily life.

My apartment started making strange noises at night. Old me would have accepted haunting.

I listed possibilities:

• ghost
• pipes
• parties
• bitcoin mining

It was bitcoin mining.

My neighbor was running machines that shook the building and devoured electricity. I reported it. The noise stopped. My rent went down.

This was my first completely imaginary victory as a completely imaginary analyst.

Side Effects

Once your brain gets a new toy, it refuses to shut up.

I started analyzing grocery checkout lines. Carts. Cashiers. Coupon risk. Purse depth. My girlfriend calls me “The Line Whisperer” and asks me to please stop narrating.

I once built a decision matrix to choose between Pizza Pizza and Domino’s. This is not a proud moment.

Ironically, the best pizza I ate recently required zero analysis. Fresca Pizza and Pasta at Spadina and College. Five dollars a slice. Not folded. Just excellent pizza.

More importantly, they quietly feed people who need it. No branding. No speeches. Just food, shared with dignity. That matters more than any framework in this essay.

Some things do not need analysis.

Dating apps, unfortunately, do.

“Subject owns one cat. Consistent behavior. However, all photos taken at the same angle. Possible strategic image management.”

My mother became concerned.

A Very Important Clarification

Let’s be clear.

None of this happened.

No CSIS manuals transformed me. No intelligence agency upgraded my brain. I am not smarter. This is a joke essay. An exaggerated fantasy. A bit. If this were stand-up, this is the part where the comedian leans into the mic and says, “Relax. I am not a spy.”

I still forget things. I still overthink. I still apologize to furniture.

But pretending life is a problem you can calmly analyze is sometimes comforting. It slows you down. It makes chaos feel manageable. It gives raccoons motives.

If nothing else, it makes waiting in line more interesting.

Epilogue

Here is the serious part.

All the clever thinking in the world means very little if it does not lead to care. Intelligence is not about being right, or fast, or impressive. It is about noticing when someone needs help and doing something quietly decent about it.

Feeding people. Sharing what you have. Treating others with dignity. Building community without announcing it.

If you take anything from this essay, let it be that.

Take care of people in need. Everything else is optional.

P.S. Dear raccoons. Please respect green bin rules. This is not a negotiation.